Dylan Moran – Live Jongleurs
Hello, how, how are you? Well that’s nice to know coz a lot of the time people lie you know, when you ask them how they are, you know, if you meet somebody on the street or whatever and say “How you doing?” They say “I’m fine, how are you?” And you say “I’m fine,” and then you say, “See ya,” coz, you can’t really be bothered with human communication a lot of the time you know. And if you tell people the truth they can often get very upset, you know if somebody says “How you doing?” and you say “I’m terrible, I have piles, all my skin is falling off, I live with an old woman I don’t really know underground and we have to suck stones for money and I have a very rare eye disease and this amazing collection of ming objects that got broken yesterday by a falling pig, everything’s pretty shit and I wanna die,” what will the other person say? They’ll just go, “oh, ok see ya” coz they you know…
And
its errr, and the other thing, I am a man, and erm, well either that or a woman
who’s really let herself go. And
its not easy being a man you know.
I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures. I mean there….Men have a very bad image
in the female media, you go to a women’s magazine. They do these surveys, they go to women
they say, “what do you want from a man?” And women always come out with the same
kind of thing you know, they go, “oh just some kind of physical, psychical,
intellectual melding really, where you get that oceanic feeling and you can
create an environment where child rearing and the continual exploration of the
existence of relationship is still possible, that’d be ok.” And then they go to guys and they go to
some hairy clump of a person called Wayne and they say, “how about you?” And he
goes, “well I dunno errrrrrrr knockers wayyyyy! And maybe some of those crisps that
taste a bit like pizza, can you get those at the same time?” Not all men are like that, I know a guy
in France… But the other thing is
that a lot of the pressure that comes on men is from male media, you know you
got all these new magazines like GQ and Broom and Trousers, all those
things. And they are all this
health, wealth, success and style stuff. Get a big watch, get a yacht, put the
clock up the watch, all that crap.
And they, you know, and intimidating articles like brush your teeth,
and your hair, oh piss off!
A big erm health scare on for men for testicular cancer, now that’s a
pretty scary thing there… women don’t get that so much. And it’s a very difficult thing coz you
have to look for a lump…in a bag of lumps, and that can take a long time. And you have to do it yourself,
because nobody actually wants to
touch male genitalia anyway coz it looks like some kind of deep sea fish, you
know that became extinct after about an half an hour, it just didn’t do very
well. And it’s a very difficult
thing, you have to do it yourself, you have to touch yourself. And as a man you are designed to be
aroused by most naturally occurring phenomena on the plant. You know if you see a big bag of wheat
or a bit of falling masonry, that can get you going. So…actually to touch yourself can be
very dangerous, you can have 38 erections in a half an hour and get a very bad
nose bleed. And its extremely important not to tell anybody if you do find one
coz you know what will happen, they lift you shoulder high through the streets
going “lump, lump, lump!” and throw you in prison. And then little men will come in and
beat you with spoons. That’s what
happens, they cover it up but that’s what happens.
But
anyway….. don’t clap I’m not a jazz band for Christ’s sake. Erm but anyway, older, we’re all
gonna get older, it’s a very scary thing and people get all pathetic about it
and they think, “I’m gonna get old gracefully, I’ll jog”…that doesn’t...death
has a Vespa, you know, it doesn’t matter, and they… but how can you do it? Coz if you’re a man you lose your teeth
and your hair, you go red you get fat and you’re attracted to beige clothes, so
you know. If you’re a woman its not
any easier, you get to a certain age, you know, you’ve finished bearing
children, all that part of your life is over, perhaps you’re not quite so
attractive as you once were before, perhaps, maybe, I’m just suggesting, what do
I know? And then, you know, you’re not quite so interested in sex or being
alive, and then mother nature thinks “what can I do to improve the quality of
this woman’s life, how can I help? What can I do for her? What is that magic
thing I can, how, what, I know, a beard!” I mean that can’t be easy and er
that’s about all from me, thank you very much, bye,
bye.
