Series 1, Episode 1: Cooking The Books

Customer: Those books, how much?
Bernard: Hmm?
Customer: Those books. Leather-bound ones.
Bernard: Yes, Dickens. The collective works of Charles Dickens.
Customer: They real leather?
Bernard: They're real Dickens.
Customer: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them.
Bernard: Two hundred what?
Customer: Two hundred pounds...
Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds?
Customer: No...
Bernard: Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next!

Manny: (reading from The Little Book Of Calm) Let let let let... let go once in a while, you're a loose lily floating down an amber river. Ahhh.

Customer: I expect better service!
Bernard: Then expect away! Come on, get out all you time-wasting bastards, back on the street.

Nick Voleur the accountant: Well you've got to help me out here, Bernard. What period does "all other times" cover?
Bernard: I don't know, Nick! I'm not... Wonderwoman.
Nick: This new system, it's very closely modelled on the old system, isn't it?
Bernard: I'd go further than that, Nick. I'd say it was more or less exactly the same. Except... no, it's the same.

Bernard: "If you live in a council flat"... "beside a river"... "but are not blind"... WHAT? WHAT?! "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name? I just knew her as Ma! Ma! That'll have to do. Ma... possibly deceased.

Jehovah's Witness 1: Hello, we were wondering if we could talk to you about Jesus.
Bernard: (desperate to avoid doing his tax return) Great! Come in!
Jehovah's Witness 1: What?
Bernard: I'd love to hear about Jesus! What's he up to now? Come on in, come on!
Jehovah's Witness 1: Are... are you sure?
Bernard: Yes! In! In! Come in!
Jehovah's Witness 2: It's a trick!
Jehovah's Witness 1: No... it's just... usually, people don't say yes.
Bernard: Well I'm not people! Come on in! Let's talk beliefs! Come in, come in. Grab a pew. Right, let's go.
Jehovah's Witness 1: Well, to be honest, we've never actually thought this far ahead. It's nice in here. "Indoors".
Bernard: What's your favourite story about our Lord?
Jehovah's Witness 2: Moneylenders! Has to be the moneylenders. Chasing them out of the temple...
Bernard: It is knock-out stuff, isn't it, yeah? And yourself?
Jehovah's Witness 1: Oh it's... it's all good. But I suppose when he, when he rescued, when Jesus rescued the Samaritan.
Bernard: No, that's a story Jesus tells about the Samaritan who helped somebody else.
Jehovah's Witness 1: Really?
Bernard: Yeah.
Jehovah's Witness 1: Wow.
Jehovah's Witness 2: And I like the one where he went to dinner with the tax collector.
Bernard: (looks disgusted at the mention of tax) And do you have any literature or anything I could look at?
(Jehovah's Witnesses shake their heads)
Jehovah's Witness 1: Oh yes! Those books and magazines we have! Books and magazines!

Manny: Ah. There you are. Time for my results?
Doctor: Well it's rather bad news I'm afraid, Mr Bianco. The Little Book Of Calm is lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas. If it rotates a centimetre or two to the left, you'll be dead in seconds.
Manny: Oh my god.
Doctor: No no no that's just the worst-case scenario. The other possibility, and this is far more likely, is that The Little Book Of Calm will move to the right, into the renal canal. If this happens, you could live for anything up to ten years, one year, who knows.
Manny: Oh my god.
Doctor: Because of the massive amount of scarring caused by The Little Book Of Calm however, it is possible that you'll be in a massive amount of pain.
Manny: Oh my god.
Doctor: (his pager beeps) Sorry about this, I'll have to go. Um we'll operate tomorrow, see if there's anything we can do about it. There's a good chance you'll survive. A 30% chance, I'd say, so try not to worry. As the book itself says (looks at x-ray) umm, "whenever you're in a tight spot, try to imagine yourself marooned on a beautiful desert island".

Fran: Bernard? Finished with your accounts?
Bernard: Yes. I've turned them into a rather smart casual jacket.

Manny: Add a drop of lavender to your bath and soon, you'll soak yourself calm.
Doctor: I'm sorry?
Manny: If you want to feel calm, eat more raw fruit and vegetables, yoghurt, milk and seeds.
Doctor: Uh maybe I should let you get some rest...
Manny: When you rest, you are a king, surveying your estate. Look at the woodland. The peacocks on the lawn. Be the king of your own calm kingdom.
Doctor: Uhh... yes...

(customer hands Bernard a book)
Bernard: Oh we've got a special offer on this one.
Customer: Really?
Bernard: Yes, it's free if you break my legs.
Customer: Fair enough.
Bernard: Great! I'll just get the hobbling post.
Customer: Wait. I've read this one. That's the problem with Wodehouse.
Bernard: Yes it's terrible now hurry up and break my legs.
Customer: But I've already read it! I'm sorry, I've got to go!

Manny: (to woman giving birth) When you're feeling under pressure, do something different. Roll up your sleeves, or eat an orange.

Manny: (to Fran) Be on the look out for things that make you laugh. If you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then laugh.

Skinhead: (to Manny) Oi, Hairy! What you looking at?
Manny: Have you ever noticed a calm person with a loud voice? Try and speak softly once in a while.
(Skinhead punches Manny in the face)
Manny: Add a dab of lavender to milk. Leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

Bernard: (to a group of skinheads) Which one of you bitches wants to dance? Hey you know when you're doing your usual threesome thing you do of a weekend, and the moonlight's bouncing of your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing? Right, this is you, ok? (dances madly like a fairy while singing "tra la la" then stops) Millwall! That's the one. Do you know this chant? "Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated"...
(all three skinheads punch Bernard in the face at the same time)

Bernard: I've been gravely injured now. I don't have to do my accounts. You're my witness.
Manny: Oh well I could do your accounts.
Bernard: What?
Manny: Well I'm an accountant. Well, was an accountant. Hah. Ah, it's the least I could do.
Bernard: You mean you could do more?
Manny: Yeah.
Bernard: Can I have a glass of wine?
Manny: Ok.
Bernard: And a, and a ham sandwich?!
Manny: If you like.
Bernard: With a pickle?!
Manny: Alright.
(Bernard does a classic face of absolute joy)

Series 1, Episode 2: Manny's First Day

Bernard: Alrighty. What did you order?
Manny: Lager.
Bernard: I got you... crème de menthe. Ok, here it is - I like you a lot, Gerald... Samantha...
Manny: Manny...
Bernard: Manny. That's the one. I like you a lot.
Manny: Oh thanks very much, you're not so bad yourself (pats Bernard on the arm)
Bernard: Don't touch my arm. And uhh... where have you gone?
Manny: I'm here. You're looking at me.
Bernard: Oh right. Yeah. So... what do you want?
Manny: You mentioned something about a job.
Bernard: What would I have to do?
Manny: No, uh, in the bookshop.
Bernard: But I already work in a bookshop! Do you have anything... in an aquarium?
Manny: Er, no... for me.
Bernard: Oh yeah, right, of course. Sorry sorry sorry sorry. Of course. Right. (to an old woman walking past the table) You leaving, Manny?
Manny: No that's the old woman.
Bernard: Bernard Black. (Offers his hand)
Manny: Manny. (They shake hands)
Bernard: So. What do you want?
Manny: You mentioned a job.
Bernard: What would I have to do?
Manny: For me.
Bernard: Oh yes yes yes of course. Very simple, very simple. Here we go. Do you want a job?
Manny: Great, yes.
Bernard: What's great? What? What?

Bernard: What time is it?!
Manny: Half-ten.
Bernard: Half-ten?! Half-ten?! I've never been up at half-ten! What happens?

Manny: What's all this?
Bernard: The rules. For the customers. But they apply to you too.
Manny: "No mobiles". "No wig-wams".
Bernard: Walkmans!
Manny: "No snoit"... "no snoiti"... this is indecipherable!
Bernard: Look! It is perfectly simple. "No mobiles". "No walkmans". None of that... or any of the others.

Fran: So Manny, tell us all about yourself.
Manny: Well I was born in London...
Bernard: Stop right there, David Copperfield. If we're going back that far we'll need popcorn or something.
Fran: Don't mind him, Manny. Go ahead.
Manny: Well like I say, born in London, moved around quite a bit, saw a lot of army bases.
Fran: Oh, your father was in the army?
Manny: No, just coincidence.
Bernard: Sorry could we do this some other time when I'm not here?
Manny: Alright. Fair enough. You know, this could be a really lovely place.
Bernard: It is a lovely place!
Manny: Yeah you'd have to wax the shelves, and get rid of whatever it is that makes you stick to the floor over here.
Bernard: You're supposed to stick to the floor over there. I like it like that. Stops children running around.
Manny: And seal the floors, stop that rising smell, and you do know you've got molluscs on your pipes?
Bernard: What of it?
Manny: Well, it's just that traditionally they live in the sea. Put in a few standard lamps...
Bernard: Why didn't you just say you were gay?
Manny: What? But I, I'm not.
Bernard: But you're interested in lamps.
Manny: Yeah but I'm interested in, in women, and lamps. I thought you were actually (points to Bernard). Gay, I mean.
Bernard: So did I for a bit. Then I found out about the prohibitive standards of hygiene. And all that dancing!

Bernard: What do they want from me? Why can't they leave me alone? I mean, what do they want from me?!
Manny: Well they want to buy books.
Bernard: Yeah but why me?! Why do they come to me?!
Manny: Because you sell books.
Bernard: Yeah, I know...

Bernard: What?!
Customer: I'd like to buy a book.
Bernard: Here's one.
Customer: No, I was...
Bernard: This one's very good!
Customer: Oh, oh is it?
Bernard: Yes. You'll laugh, you'll cry, it'll change your life. £5.99.
Customer: Alright. Oh, my change?
Bernard: Ugh, can you come back later?
Customer: Well no, I'm not coming back this way.
Bernard: Where do you live?
Customer: 17 Galexie Gardens.
Bernard: Ok now go there, and await my instructions.

Bernard: Are you insane?!
Fran: He's great, Bernard. What's wrong with him?
Bernard: He's trouble, is what he is. He's... he's... I can smell it a mile off! He's got all sorts of fancy notions. And... and... do you know what I saw earlier, when you weren't here and you couldn't have seen it? He was umm... he was sucking his trousers, and laughing!
Fran: That's a lie, isn't it?
Bernard: No! No! (Fran gets up to leave) No don't, I made it up.

Bernard: (to Manny) You there. Lord of the Rings. Let's talk about how this whole one-day trial thing is going. At the moment, you're fired.

Manny: Well the thing here... uhh, takings... £370.
Bernard: That's good.
Manny: Yeah but your outgoings were over £1200.
Bernard: Well... whores will have their trinkets.

Bernard: I'm going out. I have to take some clothes to Oxfam.
Manny: Ok.
(Bernard appears, wearing all the clothes he's taking to Oxfam)
Bernard: I usually lock up.
Manny: Ah well, now I'm here, it's different.
Bernard: Yes, it's different (locks door)
Manny: Ah wait wait, what, what, what are you...
Bernard: What?
Manny: Well, why are you locking the door?
Bernard: I usually lock the door.
Manny: Yes but now I'm here, it's different, isn't it?
Bernard: Yes it's different - I've never locked anybody in before.

Series 1, Episode 3: Grapes of Wrath

Bernard: Manny! Manny! Manny Manny Manny Manny.
Manny: Will you stop shouting at me.
Bernard: Sorry. Where's the cork- your hair looks amazing. Where's the corkscrew?
Manny: I don't know. I don't know where anything is. Have you been back there recently? It's like Dresden.
Bernard: The place isn't that bad.
Manny: It is that bad. For one thing, didn't you have a cat?
Bernard: Oh yeah! Where'd he go?
Manny: I found him.
Bernard: Really? Brilliant!
Manny: No. No. You... don't want to see him... (clutches his leg) Ooh ow! Ow!
Bernard: What's up with you.
Manny: It's brought on my cramp. I get a terrible cramp when I'm stressed.
Bernard: Well don't be stressed. Why are you stressed?
Manny: Because I opened the fridge door, there's shin bandages next to the cheese.
Bernard: That's just a little...
Manny: There's jam in the bath!
Bernard: Oh come on!
Manny: You're a filth wizard. Friend only to the pig and the rat. Look, look! (opens a box with pizza in it)
Bernard: Pizza! I was going to warm it and eat it later! Everybody does that! It's normal. You are looking for things to complain about.
Manny: And what are these? (points inside the pizza box)
Bernard: Wasps.

Manny: (phoning Anall Cleaners) Everything's covered in filth! Look! (points phone receiver around the room) The whole place is a complete mess. Can't find anything. Right now I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe!

Bernard: You are wearing a dress.
Fran: What do you think?
Bernard: Occasion?
Fran: I've got a date. Ben. Divorcee. Very good looking. Nice arse. Which is a first for me.
Bernard: Never had a nice one?
Fran: No, and I know that because I've seen them on the telly. You? Had one?
Bernard: There was one woman, Janine. And I don't know if it was nice, but it was... huge. But there was this tremendous sense of value.

Fran: (discussing her ex-boyfriends) Or Raymond. Do you remember Raymond?
Bernard: What was his thing? Didn't he live with his mother?
Fran: Yeah. In a car.

Bernard: I'm asking you a question! Why did you get this freak into my house?
Manny: I had to! You made me!
Bernard: I don't trust him! He has no nasal hair!

The Cleaner: This is going to take some time. Everything's very... dirty. You have grime under the taps, that's very nasty. The state of the bathroom is... shameful. And the dust. Oh the dust.
Bernard: The place isn't that dusty!
(The Cleaner moves his finger through the air briefly, and it quickly becomes coated in dust)
The Cleaner: The worst thing is the cups. Yes. You have very, very dusty... cups. I want to clean your dusty cups from the inside out...
Bernard: Ok! I'm just going to go sit over here, ok? Anything else about cleaning, you can ask Manny.

Manny: Ah, I see you are an afficionado of paintings.
Freddie: Oh yes, yeah.
Manny: (looking at the painting) It's a cow.
Freddie: Hmm. You like art?
Manny: Oh yes, yes, especially... late... art. Yes, the way he's captured the look, the cow's looking over there, we can't see what the cow's seeing, yeah maybe the artist's saying cows know something we... we don't.
Freddie: Hmm, it's French apparently. From the Dutch school.
Manny: It's... brown.

Fran: What's wrong with your wine?
Ben: Nothing. I just drink slowly.
Fran: I get undressed slowly.

Bernard: Old wine is good wine.
Manny: Yes. But expensive wine is good wine also.
Bernard: Yes. But the older the wine is, the gooder it is.
Manny: Ah but by the same token, the more expensive the wine, then the gooder it is also.
Bernard: (looking at the wine) Look at the colours.
Manny: Yeah.
Bernard: All the colours. Well... yellow.
Manny: This is like... a... a farmyard... of wine.
Bernard: It's like looking into the eye of a duck.
Manny: And sucking all the fluid from its beak.

Ben: Music's a bit boring, isn't it? I wonder if they'd let me put my tape on. Got all my favourite songs on here.
Fran: I'm a giant ear... waiting for your songs of... niceness.

Manny: (holding shiatsu massage machine to his chest) Bernard! Look! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

Bernard: (trying to think of a way to make up for accidentally drinking Freddie's £7000 bottle of wine) What about... a gift!
Manny: That's a much better idea. But it'd have to be perfect!
Bernard: Yeah...
Manny: What about... a really nice box of pencils?
Bernard: No...
Manny: I mean... a REALLY nice box.
Bernard: No! I think if you're, you know, going to give the guy pencils for drinking his wine, you're talking about, you know, magic pencils. You draw a cow, the cow comes to life! Those kind of things.
Manny: Yeah...
Bernard: We'll make some more!
Manny: What?
Bernard: We'll use some of the cheap stuff, nobody will ever know the difference.
Manny: But this cost £7000! He's going to present this to the pope!
Bernard: He won't know the difference.
Manny: He's the pope! He's used to the finer things!
Bernard: It's all waffle! Nobody is prepared to admit that wine actually doesn't have a taste!
Manny: You can't taste anything. You smoke eight bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that?
Bernard: What?
Manny: What are you eating?
Bernard: It's some sort of delicious biscuit!
Manny: It's a coaster.
Bernard: Is it? Are there any more?

Series 1, Episode 4: The Blackout

Bernard: You know Gerald and Sarah?
Fran: Gerald... uh... your friend...
Bernard: Friend?! When I first came to London, he, he put me up, he lent me money, he helped me find a job, he helped me find this place. I was, I was an incredibly good friend to him. And, even though, even though I fancied his girlfriend, I did not make a pass at her. Well, once. Twice. A few times. But not after I realised just how angry it made him. Well, once, but only because...
Fran: Get on with the story.

Bernard: I went to the chemist to get some Fizzy-Good.
Fran: Some what?
Bernard: You know, some Fizzy-Good, Fizzy-Good-Make-Feel-Nice.
Fran: Oh, Alka-Seltzer.

Fran: Manny, you look like you could use some sleep.
Manny: (high on espresso and police novels) Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a little bit, in a little bit. Look, thing is, right, this bloke behind me, behind me, behind me, behind me, DON'T LOOK! I reckon he's got a shooter!
Bernard: He's a hundred years old! You're just wired from all that coffee and cops.

Fran: And so what? So they blanked you.
Bernard: So what?! So what?! They blanked me! That's like an awesomely powerful thing to do in civilised society! It's like, it's like, it's like when the Mafia send each other fish through the post.

Bernard: Gerald's a food writer. He had a big hit with that thing, you know, "Basic Meals For The Ultra Rich". And Sarah's an interior designer. She's on the program, you know... "Pet Surprise".
Manny: "Pet Surprise"? What's that?
Bernard: Oh you know the thing, they take the dog out for a walk, it thinks it's a normal walk, but when they come back, the kennel has a patio and french doors.
Manny: Yeah, yeah, and they take the blindfold off...
Bernard: Yeah and he's like "Oh my god", you know. And there were a few other people there. You know, the sort of people who can talk about salad for five hours.

Gerald: Oh Bernard, look at you.
Bernard: I'm a happy-go-lucky scamp!

(a little boy in pyjamas walks into the room)
Gerald: (to Bernard) Oh you remember Jimbo, don't you?
Bernard: I'm not sure... (to Jimbo) What do you do?
Gerald: No, he's our son.
Bernard: Oh thank god. I thought you had a disease! It's a child!

Bernard: Ah Jim. Jim Jim Jim Jim Jim. Come here. We'll do the thing. Here. Here. There we go... (gives Jimbo some money) Take it. Take it. Now. Actually Jim, could I have that back? (takes money back off Jim) Shh! So Jim, have I ever told you about the old country? The songs! Oh Jim, they'd melt your face. "Ohh I live in a shoe on Moore Street, I'm a prostitute from Newry".

Fran: Can you do my shoelace?
Bernard: No can do, Neck-Face.

Fran: (seeing Bernard's arm in a cast) What happened to you?
Bernard: (seeing Fran's neck in a brace) What happened to you?
Fran: No, you first.
Bernard: No, come on, are you the next Bond villain?
Fran: You look like you should have "Dorset 5 miles" written on you.

Inspector Norris: Hey what's, uh, with the face-fuzz?
Manny: Uhh, undercover, undercover work. Uhh got to blend in with a heavy metal group... who stole some... furniture. Bastards.

Bernard: He won't be seeing you again?
Fran: He says he wants to see other, less mad women.

Inspector Norris: (to criminal interviewee) Nogsy! You miss me?
Nogsy: Yeah, I was just sitting here thinking "When's Inspector Norris coming back?"
Inspector Norris: Oi! Smart lip doesn't work with me, Nogsy! I don't react well to it. Now, you better start giving me something solid or I'll feed you to the sharks.
Manny: (to Nogsy) You have... beautiful eyes.
Inspector Norris: You're going away, Nogsy! You understand me? This is the end of the line!
Manny: Do you think it would be really naughty if I phoned up the Hong Kong Kitchen and got us all some crispy duck?
Inspector Norris: Listen! You better speak up, or else we'll be talking to your missus! Ohohoho, how do you like that, family man?
Manny: Hey! When all this has blown over, let's go and see Les Miserables. Have you been to the zoo? It's brilliant!

Inspector Norris: Offer him a deal.
Manny: What sort of deal?
Inspector Norris: I don't know, you call it. Uh, but don't give away too much. He's looking at two years, minimum. I'll be back in ten.
Manny: (looks horrified) Huh?!
Inspector Norris: Ten minutes...
Manny: (looks relieved) Ohh.

Manny: Well you know, Barry, I'm just... I'm just one copper, trying to make a difference. (falls off his chair, stands up quickly, falls over the chair, stands up again) Fell off my chair to some extent... you know, Barry, I've been doing this job for tweny minutes- YEARS! Twenty years. Since I was... fifteen. And uhh you know, it doesn't get any easier. That's why I've made my decision to retire. That's right, Barry, I'm retiring. Nogsy was my last case. I've had a hundred per cent success rate. I'm only getting older and slower. It's time for this old warhorse to be put out to pasture.

Bernard: Gerald! Can I ask you a question?
Gerald: What?
Bernard: You know the thing, uh, the thing that cleans these things, the thing-cleaner! Why is that in your bathroom? I'm not Coco Chanel or anything but I think that's a bit weird.
Gerald: Umm Bernard why don't I umm call you a cab?
Bernard: I don't want a cab! It's only half-one. Anyway, listen, listen, why do you have a toaster in your bathroom?
Gerald: We haven't got a toaster in our bathroom.
Bernard: Well you should put a lock on the door anyway because I was in there, I was on the toilet and everything, and little Jimmy comes in, he's drinking milk from the fridge and that's all wrong... it's unhygienic. And what were you thinking, what was going through your brain when you thought "Oh yeah, I'll buy a wicker toilet"?
(Sarah shrieks in horror from another room)

Bernard: So I go to the toilet in your wicker chair, it's a faux pas.

Gerald: Look at Jimmy.
(Jimmy has an unchaging wide-eyed look of horror fixed on his face)
Bernard: What? What? What? He looks surprised. All children look surprised. Everything's new to them!

Bernard: I mean, I come to your house, I bring a bottle of wine...
Sarah: You brought a policewoman!
Bernard: Policewoman, bottle of wine, point is I made an effort.

Bernard: (having explained how he broke his arm by falling down some steps) Hence...
Fran: So why were you embarrassed to tell me?
Bernard: Oh, well, I fell. You know, it was so... undashing.
Fran: And of course, going to the toilet through a wicker chair, well, we've all been there.

Series 1, Episode 5: The Big Lockout

Security Man: You reckon they got in through the back?
Manny: Yeah, so we reckon it was drug addicts.
Security Man: Right.
Manny: Yeah they took all the drugs. Yeah we had a whole packet of Beechams, bottle of Night Nurses, all gone.
Security Man: Doesn't surprise me. From where I'm standing, there are... 145 points of entry into the shop.

Security Man: I'm normally asked to install this system in zoos. The glass is soundproof.
Manny: Why do you need soundproofing in zoos?
Security Man: Well otherwise, the kids start calling the lions pricks.
Manny: Oh right.
Security Man: It's a very good system. You know the CIA?
Manny: Yeah.
Security Man: They don't use this system. Uhh, they probably use something a lot better.
Manny: Oh right, right. Wow. Yeah because uhh, I read something about the CIA, apparently they've got this stationery, right? Looks perfectly normal, but uh when you write on it, it uh dissolves.
Security Man: No, it's bollocks.

Bernard: (to Manny) You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Bernard: So, what did you tell them? They got in through the back?
Manny: Yeah
Bernard: Yeah it wouldn't do to let them know that we went out and you left the front door open, would it?
Manny: Yeah well what sort of world is it that you can't go away and leave the front door open without getting robbed?
Bernard: It's this sort of world, Gandalf!

Bernard: (answering the phone) Hello? Yes oh well no, I am going to pay that bill. I am. Yes I know. Yeah- No, I- Ye- Excuse me, could you- Hang on, sorry. Yes. (cuts phone cord with scissors) Oh you agree with me with everything I'm saying? That's terrific. Thanks. Bye!

Bernard: (to the customer who thinks Bernard is selling good books too cheaply) But I don't want them. I mean, you know, I have to price them, and then put them up on the shelves and store them and people will come in and ask about them and buy them and read them and come back and sell them, you know, and the whole hideous cycle will just go on and on and on and on, you know?

Fran: Oh my god!
Bernard: What?
Fran: It's Hal. Hal Granger. I was at college with him.
Bernard: Well go and say hello.
Fran: Oh no, no don't, no don't. He... confuses me.
Bernard: What?
Fran: He confuses me. He's... he's a total arsehole... but he's got this voice, and it just... does things to me.
Hal: Fuurrrraaannnn?

Hal: (to Fran) Hey. You look frantastic.

Bernard: (to Manny) Hey, Genghis.

Bernard: We're trying something new. Absinthe. You know that one? That slogan, "the drink that makes you want to kill yourself"?

Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard?
Bernard: I think you should wash it, yeah. Then shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow.

Manny: That was the last movie you've ever seen? Planet Of The Apes?
Bernard: Yeah. Amazing effects, you know. You really believed that monkeys could have meetings.
Manny: And you've not been to the cinema since then?
Bernard: No. It's all tossycock.

Manny: Yeah well it's better than staying in and getting mashed every night, with no company except the dead bees on the windowsill.
Bernard: I like the dead bees on the windowsill! At least they don't go out and leave the front door open and get us robbed! Don't get judgy with me, Ming the Merciless.

Bernard: (trying to figure out how to work the security door) Ok for the moment, just tell me the code.
Manny: There was a little man.
Bernard: There was a little man? That's the code?
Manny: No no, I didn't actually hear the code because... he had a little man in his hair.
Bernard: Well the little man in my hair is getting very, very angry. What are you talking about?
Manny: He had a Subbuteo player in his hair! I got distracted!
Bernard: So essentially, what we have here is a security system that doesn't let anybody in or out of the building...
Manny: Yes!
Bernard: Yes! Including us!
Manny: Yes! We'll get used to it.
Bernard: Oh right, ok. How will we get used to it?!

Bernard: Excuse me. There seems to be some sort of mistake. I bought, I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money.
Movie cashier boy: That's how much it costs.
Bernard: Why? Is it special popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high?

Bernard: (talking to a homeless person on the street) Excuse me, this might sound a bit funny, but could I please have 10p?

(Bernard walks into a pornography store to stand next to the heater after being locked out of his own shop)
Store owner: Nasty night out there?
Bernard: Yeah, yeah. Freezing. Yeah. Wouldn't want to be stuck out there. Oh, a lot of, I think a lot of low air pressure, you know, came down from Abernethy or somewhere like that, and it's just...
Store owner: Is that right? Now, what can I interest you in?
Bernard: Oh. Yeah. Right. Ok. I'd like some hardcore pornography, please.
Store owner: Here you are. Set in a women's prison. 25 quid.
Bernard: Did you, did you have anything in a town hall? You know, where women guess the weight of the cake and then...
Store owner: No... got one with nurses.
Bernard: What kind of nurses though, you know...
Store owner: The kind with big tits.
Bernard: What do they do though? Are they in administration? That's the kind of thing I'd want, really. You know, a lot of hospital paperwork. And that...
Store owner: That's very specific.
Bernard: Yeah well, you know, just keep looking and we'll find something. Can you turn the radiator up?
Store owner: (holds up video with "Administrative Nurses" printed on the front) Administrative Nurses. 40 quid.
Bernard: (desperate to waste time and not get kicked back outside into the cold) Sorry, I meant to say senior administrative nurses. That's the only thing I'm actually interested in...
(Store owner lifts his fingers from the front of the video to reveal that the video is actually called "Senior Administrative Nurses")
Bernard: Could we watch it together? You know, maybe we could get a bottle of wine or something, and...
Store owner: (points to door) Out!

Manny: (to radio) Come in. Come in. This is lonely soldier. My co-ordinates are... bookshop.

Bernard: Does the... umm... Mamba Burger... come with zesty cheese?
Cashier boy: No.
Bernard: Ok, uhh, then could I have some... Hunky Dunkers. With barbecue Hunky Dunky dip. And a... Mucky Chocolate Milkshake.
Cashier boy: What size? Small, medium, goliath or god?
(Bernard gestures that he doesn't care)
Cashier Boy: (into microphone) One Hunky Dunkers, barbecue Hunky Dunky dip and a medium Mucky. (to Bernard) That'll be £4.99.
Bernard: Uhh um, the thing... I'm a little light, at the moment. Uh actually, this... (takes his belt off) this belt... is made from real leather.
Cashier Boy: (shakes his head) If you're not eating anything, you'll have to leave the premises.

Hal: (answering phone) Hello? Hello? Who is this? Hello? Is this you, Mummy? I can hear you breathing, whoever you are. You're beginning to test my patience. I know there's someone there. Right, that's it, I'm hanging up.
Fran: (rapidly) Don't hang up, Hal!
Hal: Fuurrraannnnn? Is this you Fran? Are you alright? Are you in any pain? Do you want me to come over? (Fran starts making obscene and excited noises) I'll come over, Fran. Do you want me to come? (Fran is going into a crescendo of gasps and shrieks) I'll come, Fran. I'll come! I'll come! (Fran screams loudly) Fran! Fran, my god, what's happened?! Fran!
Fran: Hello, Hal. Sorry about that.
Hal: Fran? Are you alright?
Fran: Yes thank you. I'm fine thank you. I just... I just caught my... foot in the fridge.
Hal: Oh...
Fran: Thanks! Goodbye!

Bernard: (as a burger boy) Right. Welcome to... the thing... whatever this place is.

Mamba Burger Customer: Can I get some chips as well please?
Bernard: How many?
Mamba Burger Customer: What?
Bernard: Roughly how many? Come on.
Mamba Burger Customer: Forty?

Bernard: (running into his shop) What happened? What happened?
Fran: Oh you were burgled again.
Bernard: Huh? But there's nothing left to take. What did they get?
Fran: As far as I can make out, they took the security system.
Bernard: Thank Christ for that. What's up with him? (points to Manny lying half-asleep on the sofa)
Fran: He drank all our absinthe. (starts rubbing Manny's forehead with a flannel)
Manny: I'm a lonely soldier.
Bernard: (to Fran) What are you doing?
Fran: I'm putting a cold flannel on his head...
Bernard: Why?
Fran: They do that in the films.
Bernard: Where were you when I needed you?
Fran: Oh, yeah, Bernard... something came... up. I'm so so sorry. Umm what did you do?
Bernard: Oh just my usual night out, you know. Went to see an experimental film where nothing happened for two hours. Hung out with a pornographer. Got a job in a burger bar. You know, the usual.
Manny: Bernard...
Bernard: What?!
Manny: Bernard, I'm, I'm sorry.
Bernard: Forget it.
Manny: No... there's another thing...
Bernard: What?
Manny: I... et all... ya...
Bernard: What did you do?
Manny: I... ayall...
Bernard: What did you do?!
Manny: I ate all your bees!
(from out-takes on DVD)
Bernard: You... fucker.

Series 1, Episode 6: He's Leaving Home

Bernard: (catching Manny sneaking into the shop late) Yes, you've been caught! What sort of time do you call this?
Manny: What are you talking about? It's only midnight.
Bernard: Where were you? Quickly. No lies.
Manny: I was out with some friends.
Bernard: Friends? Out? With? Some? Let me smell your breath. I thought so! Chips! Where are my chips?! Look at your clothes, they're all rumpled. What have you been doing? Is that lipstick on your beard?! Here I am, worrying myself away into a stick, in the dark, and you're scoffing chips in some tart's lap. Where's my tart?! I want chips and tart! Get up them stairs!
Manny: Look you don't own me! You're not the king of me! I can go out with friends if I want!
Bernard: Now look here! Maybe all those other boys that work in bookshops do what they want. But you're working under my roof! You'll abide by my rules! This isn't Waterstone's!
Manny: I wish I'd never been born!

Bernard: Manny, stop singing in the bath!
Manny: I'm not in the bath, I'm on the toilet.
Bernard: Who sings on the toilet? Stop singing on the toilet then!

Customer: You know, I'm probably getting a lot of secondary smoke from you.
Bernard: Don't worry about it. Get me a drink sometime.

Bernard: (to Manny's friend on the phone) Who is this?! What age are you?! Thirty? Is there something wrong with you?! He can't talk now, he has to do his chores!

Bernard: Hey, hey, hey, you know what, last week, right, remember when I thought I had piles? It wasn't! It was just... irritable bowel syndrome.

Bernard: (to Manny) Right. You. Imperial leather. Back to work.

(phone rings)
Bernard: Manny. Manny, phone! Man- oh I'll get it, shall I? (picks up) Hello?
Manny: (on the other end of the line) Bernard, hello?
Bernard: Manny, where are you? The phone's been ringing!
Manny: I'm running away. I left you a note. Did you not see it?
Bernard: Running away? Note? Did? See? What are you talking about?
Manny: Right in front of you.
Bernard: Why are you running away?
Manny: The note will explain everything.
Bernard: This is nearly a page! Can you just give me the gist of it?
Manny: Well, I made a photocopy, so yes. "Dear Bernard, by the time you read this, I will be gone. You will never hear my voice again. I in turn will never write or phone or attempt to get in touch with you in any way. The reason for this is that you've been really nasty to me recently, and I think it's time to try and make it by myself. I think I'm old enough to make my own way in the world. And if you think that I'm"... a bee!

Fran: Where's Manny?
Bernard: He's not here.
Fran: Well where is he? How can I find him?
Bernard: Well you could become a terrible event and happen to him.
Fran: But I really wanted to tell him this thing.
Bernard: Well what's all this "telling Manny everything" business anyway? I'm just as good at being told things! Come on. Tell me.
Fran: No, you won't get it.
Bernard: No, no, I will, come on.
Fran: Ok... apparently...
Bernard: Yeah...
Fran: David Beckham...
Bernard: Ahhhh! The footballer!
Fran: Yeah.
Bernard: Big, big smile, black guy, chat show...
Fran: See? You're not going to get this.
Bernard: No no I know that's wrong. I know. Sorry. He cried during the World Cup and now he sells crisps.
Fran: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokémon, I mean-
Bernard: Pac Man! It's pronounced "Pac Man"!
Fran: Forget it. Where is Manny?
Bernard: Oh he quit.
Fran: He quit?
Bernard: Yeah. Quite funny actually. He rang me to say he quit and he was in a phonebox, you know, and uhh there was this bee. And uh, you know, arrr, and then he put his arm through the glass and he was bleeding and everything... and then he got mugged! Ha! Haha! Just like that... with the bee and the bleeding and the mugger... ahhahhaha ohhh ha... so we should help him.

Bernard: (about Fran being nice to Manny) She spoils him! She's always talking to him. Giving him little things to eat. How's he ever going to learn about the real world?

Bernard: Here, "Help fight crime - Dial 999". Is it 999 because it rhymes with crime?

Omid: Come in, come in, come in.
Manny: Well I won't stay long. I'll just get that glass of water you mentioned.
Omid: Water? Ah, what you need is a nice wine. A nice glass of wine for you, huh? You like wine?
Manny: Umm...
Omid: Yeah you like wine? You like wine? Wine is very, is eh heh heh heh, wine is very nice, eh? A nice glass of wine for you.
Manny: Oh well uhh someone serving me drinks, that's a new experience.
Omid: Ahh alright, alright...
(Manny sits down then stands up)
Omid: No sit down, sit down.
Manny: Ah.
Omid: So my friend, you like my clothes? (Manny nods) I get you clothes just like them. You want a bath? Or some chicken? We can watch The Simpsons. Is so funny and cool.
Manny: Ahh. (Sees a camera on a tripod) Oh so you're a photographer?
Omid: Oh yeah, I do a lot of things. I take pictures. I sell icecream. I do a little work for uhh you know CIA?
Manny: Yes...
Omid: I do a little work for them. Can I feel your beard?
Manny: (in sudden comprehension and shock at what this guy just asked) Uhh sorry?
Omid: Your beard. Can I feel it?
Manny: Ahh umm I uhh, no. I don't... I don't...
Omid: Oh please. Oh no no, no funny business. Nothing weird.
Manny: Ha. Well uhh... ok.
Omid: Yeah? Yeah? Is good. (Omid strokes Manny's beard and gasps) Ohh. Is good beard.
Manny: Yeah?
Omid: Yeah... oh it's... oh... it's like a little bird. (makes hooting noises like an owl) Tell me, do you use oils?
Manny: No!
Omid: You should. The colours... oh it's auburn, salt and pepper, it's ginger too, it's got everything.

Fran: Manny was something else, you know. You don't meet someone like him every day.
Bernard: I met him every day. I met him all day and all night every day. Today's one of the few days I haven't met him. And even then he still wrote to me and rang me. I'm expecting a fax any minute.

Fran: Oh Bernard, stop. You're just... (sees Manny's yo-yo and starts crying)
Bernard: Oh Fran, come on. That's enough, that's enough. Come on.
Fran: You drove him away!
Bernard: Stop blaming me, will you? (grabs Fran and stares at her) Just let me in, Fran. Let me in. Don't lock me out. Let me in.
Fran: What are you talking about?
Bernard: I'm being... upset... you know...
Fran: You tortured him. You were the one that wouldn't let him eat Frosties.
Bernard: Because they made too much noise! If he'd waited for one minute, just to let the milk sink in, but no!
Fran: And you kept on and on about his beard!
Bernard: I kept finding it everywhere!
Fran: And, and, and you said he had a funny smell!
Bernard: He did! He did! He had a living beetroot smell!
Fran: Well who will I have to talk to now?!
Bernard: You've got me! Remember me! I was here way before him!
Fran: You don't talk! You, you just sit there and you scowl and you smoke and you make hurtful remarks about people.
Bernard: You used to love my hurtful remarks about people!
Fran: You'd just sit there and you'd snipe and sneer, and you moan, you'd carp and you'd complain, you'd damn and blast, you burn and bludgeon everything until there's nothing left except ashes and bones!
Bernard: You always say that!
Fran: You never wanted him here in the first place. Oh now he's gone, now you're happy. Oh that's fine. As long as your happy. As long as you're happy, everything's fine. (puts Manny's yo-yo in Bernard's hand)
Bernard: Fran...
Fran: Bernard, I don't think I want to see you for a while. (walks out the door then comes back in) Forgot my bag. (Leaves again)
Bernard: (tries to make the yo-yo work but fails and throws it on the ground) Without him it's just a yo!

Omid: Manny, I tell you, you stick with me and I'm going to make you a star, you know. The hairiest star in the whole Milky Way!

Omid: Ah Manny, I've got some work to do tonight, so why don't you go out and uhh have a few drinks with Mr Akira over there?
Manny: Drinks? I mean, who is he?
Omid: Oh he's a very nice man, very... you go out, you have a few drinks, smile, laugh at his jokes, then maybe you go to the casino, do some gambling. Oh, muy importante, uhh to bring him luck, let him touch your beard before he throw the dice.
Manny: Why does he want me to go?
Omid: Because he see your picture. He see your picture and he go crazy. "Him, him, I want him". He said that.
Manny: What, what do you mean he saw my picture? Where did he see my picture?
Omid: Oh, in a magazine. I told you this.
Manny: What magazine?
Omid: This one. (Holds up magazine with Manny in drag dressed as Little Bo Peep on the front, with the title of the magazine "Big And Beardy" written in Japanese).
Manny: What's... what's this?! I never posed for this! What's this?! You never told me about this!
Omid: I told you when you were out!
Manny: No you didn't!
Omid: Are you arguing with me? (points at Manny) You think these clothes are cheap?! This food?! This is how you appreciate me? I tell you, I grow you like a flower! And now, you must bloom!

Manny: Look, there is no way I'm going to the casino with this man.
Omid: Oh come on, is nothing. Just a bit of gambling, a few drinks, then you have to make sure he gets back to his hotel room safely (sniffs loudly and wipes his nose).
Manny: (look of horror) What? I... there is no way I'm going to the casino, alright?! Now look, you have given me everything that money can buy. Yes, I've slept on satin sheets, I've eaten crinkle-cut chips from a silver bowl, I've been driven all over town in minicabs. But there are some things that money can't buy. Like the love I found in a little bookshop off Russell Square. Yes, love. You know, not, well, not love so much more... more... freedom! You know, fre- well not really freedom umm more kind of a largeness of heart. Uhh well not really a largeness of heart or or or or freedom or or love. But I was never contractually obliged to sleep with foreign businessmen, alright? And that is not nothing, that is something. And that is something that no amount of spaghetti bolognese or little drinks with umbrellas in can buy. So there's no way I'm going to the casino. No way. Never.
(From the out-takes on the DVD)
Omid: For fifty quid?
Manny: Alright.

Fran: Oh my god. Mickey Rourke had another facelift. He looks like his trousers.