STAND UP QUOTES

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Thanks to ShibbyDM for these!

"I do pauses, pauses work for me"

"When did you ever hear of a child not in need? 'Oh that's enough jam tart for me, I'll just go now and clean the toilets.'"

 

 

 

 




 

 

 

"We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now."

"I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day."

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

On sexual freedom throughout generations: "When it came to my generation it was, "DONT FUCK ANYONE OR YOU'LL DIE!""

"Heckle me go on heckle"

To a heckler: "I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight."

"You watch your small child walking around with a plug looking for jam,
Me: What are you doing?
Child: Looking for jam
Me: Why?
Child: Because I'm making plug jam, don't ask stupid fucking questions!"

"You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'"

"Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!"

"Bradford? Well you know it's the kind of place you go to commit suicide and find they have run out of razor blades, Telford? Oh god Telford, Telford makes Bradford look like paradise, you go to these places purely to experience the overwhelming joy of leaving them."

"Now if I walk past a group of youths I find myself holding my keys in my pocket, then I find myself putting each key in between my clenched fist, so if I have to hit him I'll fucking kill him."

On the song 'Funk Soul Brother': "If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls."

"Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!"

On drugs: "I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it."

"Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear."

"Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?"

"The birds are swaying and the trees are singing."

"Oh you know what I'm saying."

"I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good!"

"Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that…shite."

On coming face to face with three skinheads: "Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse."

"I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder."