Series 2, Episode 1: The Entertainer

Manny: Right! I have been working now for... 73 straight hours.

Manny: It's not my fault you're hungover.
Bernard: It is your fault. If you were a normal person there wouldn't be so much to blot out.

Fran: Bernard, Bernard! Do you promise you'll get out of the way for the lesson?
Bernard: Shut up, all of you! I'm dying! (Customers walk in) Jesus, more hobblety-hoids. (Grabs Manny) You can't leave me alone with them! They're all over the place like a nest of pigs!

Manny: What are you doing?! Why did you give that to that girl?!
Bernard: You're talking about the woman I love. Don't call her "that girl"! (kicks Manny in the shins)

Josef: (teaching Fran the piano) Again! Come on! "Three Blind Mice"!
Fran: God, not again.
Josef: What's the matter?
Fran: Well we've been doing this for nearly ten minutes. It's not what I imagined.
Josef: Neither was my first wife. Now play!
Fran: You see? I can't play! Even if I had fifty fingers and a million years to spare I still couldn't play. I want to watch a video. Can we go get chips?

Bernard: I'll make it up to you.
Manny: I'm sick of being used. I'm sick of your lies... how will you make it up to me?
Bernard: I'll buy you a Jeep.

Bernard: (to Manny) Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail. You'll toil your life away. And I'll die alone, upside-down on the floor of a pub toilet.

Bernard: (trying to ask a girl out) Hello I'm... not that it matters. Umm, Bernard. And umm...
Kate: Nice to meet you. Kate. The book's good, thank you.
Bernard: Oh. (Awkward silence) Do you eat? I do. Do you want to do it in the same room, sometime?
Kate: Umm well...
Bernard: You're busy! You're probably seeing one of your four million friends. Never mind. (Walks back to Manny) There, see?
Kate: (Walks over) Is tomorrow alright? You did ask me out, didn't you?
Bernard: Yes, yes, I did, and look what happened. I'm sorry to bother you.
Kate: I'll pass by the shop, anyway. Say, eight o'clock?
Bernard: Ei-eight?
Kate: Good. See you then. (Walks out)
Bernard: What does that mean? "See you then"?
Manny: It means me, duvet, TV, Maltesers, behind a locked door.

Bernard: That girl. One named Kate. She asked me out. Couldn't resist my musk.

Fran: (talking about her failure at playing the piano) Oh it's so unfair. I must be musical. I've got hundreds of CDs. He wants me to practice all evening, like a child. He's such a meanie.
Manny: I always wanted to learn, but my parents forced me not to. I spent hour after hour playing football, all by myself. Peering in at all the other children in the neighbourhood, practicing their piano.
Bernard: (to Manny) Bigfoot! Get on with it. You're not off until tomorrow.
Fran: What are you going to do with all your time off, Manny?
Manny: Oh I don't know. Long baths. Braid my beard. Unbraid it. Lie around, fondling moonbeams, being a lord of leisure.

Fran: Oh Manny, don't. My head. Josef is coming, he'll squeeze my face again, my brains will come out my nose and I'll die.

Josef: (of Fran's piano talents courtesy of Manny) Today, she's a natural! Yesterday, it was cats screwing!

Bernard: Don't worry, Manny's going to pick it up.
Manny: No he won't. He's on holiday, remember? He'll be watching the test match, in bed, eating tiramisu with a long spoon.

Bernard: I'm not very good.
Kate: That doesn't matter.
Bernard: Usually I have to rub linseed into my triceps before I...

Bernard: Ah, now. There's just uhh something I wanted to umm ask you. Umm do you... have you, have you... have you ever uhh... umm... have you ever read this? (grabs nearest book)
Kate: No.
Bernard: Well don't. It's just... birds. (Holds up book entitled "The United Kingdom Ornithology Handbook") Birds, birds and more birds. Owls, finches, sparrows. That kind of thing. And it's umm it's very very dull and birdy. So... stay away from that. Ok?
Kate: Ok.

Fran: What am I going to say to him? He'll kill me with his cane.

Bernard: (to Fran) You! What did you say to Kate? She thinks I'm the Renaissance! She'll think I've lied! I'll have to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff! She's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm a reclusive wanker!

Manny: Spoon me!

Bernard: I know! We'll do our party piece.
Fran: Yeah! Yeah, we only use one finger each. It's in triple time.
Bernard: It's called "Flight Of The Seven Million Bumblebees".

Fran: (sobbing about her repossessed piano) I can't even get a refund because it's full of bloody spoons!

Manny: I'm delighted. It's all your fault. Sprained my ankle, I can only see out my ear. Everything hurts!

Series 2, Episode 2: Fever

Bernard: I mustn't stare at women. Mustn't stare, mustn't stare.
Fran: You haven't stared at me.
Bernard: You're my oldest friend. Anyway you look like you just fell out of a tree. Go home and get some rest, will you?
Fran: No I can't sleep there. It's like... the walls are closing in on me.
Bernard: (looks at a customer) Look at her... I bet she washes her hair in streams and milks things.
Manny: She's not even sweating. Has she not glands? Jesus, it's 81 degrees. 81!
Bernard: Don't block the frock!
Manny: But it might get to 88. And it can't.

Female customer: Excuse me, have you got a... (Bernard hands her a book) Oh.
Bernard: (To male customer) One for you too (hands him a book)
Female customer: How do you know what we want?
Male customer: We don't like the same sort of stuff anyway.
Bernard: You're going on holiday. You want trash. But you want different kinds of trash. (To female customer) You're a woman, you want social themes, believable characters. (To male customer) You, you want plots, suspense. This'll do you both.
Female customer: Hmm...
Bernard: (holds up another copy of the book) There's this temp, right? She's 29, she can't get a boyfriend, oh my god.
Female customer: Sounds great!
Male customer: No, no way.
Bernard: And she's got 12 hours to stop nuclear war with China.
Male customer: Great.

Bernard: I've got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this wears off. She'll be a summery girl. She'll have hair. She'll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She'll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I'll ditch her, because she's my summer girl!

Fran: Ok, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think that I was strange?
Bernard: No, I'd ask you to come round and look after my small children.
Fran: If you don't believe me you can come round tonight and we'll watch the wall.
Manny: Don't be ridiculous, we'll be staying in, watching the thermometer, won't we Bernard? Won't we?
Bernard: I don't know, it's an impossible choice. Walls, thermometers... I'll just have to hope when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.

(Manny is putting post-it notes with "88" written on them all over the place)
Bernard: 88. What's the big deal? What happens to you?
Manny: You don't want to know.
Bernard: I do want to know.
Manny: No. You don't.
Bernard: Don't do that! Of course I want to know! I want to know even more if you tell me I don't.
Manny: Trust me. You don't want to know.
Bernard: Well, I'm telling you... you don't want to know why I want to know.
Manny: Oh, why's that?
Bernard: Ha! See?
Manny: I have a condition.
Bernard: What? What's it called?
Manny: Dave's Syndrome.
Bernard: Nonsense! You're making this up. It's like that fudge thing of yours. What is it? You have to have lots of fudge because-
Manny: It stops me going deaf!
Bernard: Yeah and the other one, what, you... you only travel in vans...
Manny: No! The other way! Never let me be put in a van! Never!
Bernard: It's rubbish! Attention-seeking rubbish!

Manny: How would you like a nice cool one? Lovely on a hot day like this!
Customer: Cool books?
Manny: Straight from the fridge! (Opens a fridge and pulls a book out)

Allison: Would you like to come in for a coffee and we can talk about this?
Fran: Oh yeah, coffee, yeah, yeah, coffee that I've spilt on the carpet, you've picked up with tweezers, put it in a jar and now you're going to serve it right back to me?!... Ok that was mad. But everything I said before that was true. I want my flat back!
Mr Marchman the landlord: Girls, girls, girls. You're both such lovely girls. You'll be sharing sugar in no time. Don't fight. And if you do, fight nice... with pillows... and jim-jams...

Manny: The heating's on!
Bernard: I want to see what happens to you at 88 degrees.

Bernard: I think you've got a case. You should get a lawyer.
Manny: Yeah. It's expensive though. Maybe you could get someone to pretend to be a lawyer.
Bernard: Yeah, someone who's just a bit like a lawyer. Arrogant. Cruel. Crooked. A liar. A real bastard. That'll sort them out. (Fran and Manny stare at Bernard) No I'm not doing it!
Fran: Oh go on. And then when you get a girlfriend, I'll give you a reference. I'll lie for you. I'll say you were ok.
Bernard: Alright. Deal.

Bernard: Not so fast! I represent Fran Katzenjammer from Flat 2. She's my client, and I'm a hotshot lawyer... like you would have seen on television.
Mr Marchman: So what's the problem exactly?
Bernard: My client's room is smaller. And as you know, it's illegal to steal space under the European Act of Legislation which happens... in a court.
Mr Marchman: The room's the same as it's always been. I can give you measurements if you want.
Bernard: Don't evade the question.
Mr Marchman: Eh?
Bernard: Just answer the question!
Mr Marchman: What question?
Bernard: Hmm? Oh. Sorry... where were you when the rooms were measured?
Mr Marchman: I was-
Bernard: Ha ha ha ha haaaa! Oh, if that's the case, where was the room?!
Mr Marchman: 2B's always been there. You can see it for yourself!
Bernard: Damn right I will, before I send this whole building downtown to the boys in the lab. I'm sequestering these as evidence (picks up some buns) and I'm issuing you with a decree of sub... ju... dy... subjudy, you are under illegal subjudy to stay in that chair until... until such time as Simon says stand up.

Allison: Hello...
Bernard: All rise, hello, I'm Bernard Black, from Black, Hengly and... Oohooroohoo Associates. You've been accused of space thievery. I've come to measure your room.
Allison: Why?
Bernard: Listen, sister, don't kid around! You could be spending the next twenty years in the electric chair!
Allison: But I've done nothing wrong! (opens the door completely)
Bernard: How could you? Look at you. You're a summer flower. Here, have a judge's bun.

Bernard: Feng shui is nine-tenths of the law.

Bernard: I have to go. Lengthy trial coming up. I have to get wig extensions.

Bernard: Manny, you have no idea how easy it is to get a girlfriend if you're me, which, of course, you're not.
Manny: Bernard! It's 84 degrees! It's 84!
Bernard: Relax! I got you a present. Here. (Hands Manny a hot water bottle) The latest thing. It actually sucks out all your body heat if you make sure it's full of boiling water. But you do have to wear it all the time.
Manny: And you will stay with me, just in case-
Bernard: No no no no, I'm a boyfriend now. I've got duties. Lots of sighing and holding hands and not finishing sentences.

Fran: (to Bernard) You bastard! You nine-sided whore!

Mr Marchman: But there's two different kinds. There's bad asbestos, and there's nice asbestos. Anyway, it grows on you.

Mr Marchman: Let me get this straight. You're offering... you are actually offering...
Fran: I am actually offering you me, yes, me, yours, to enjoy, like an éclair, or... a day at the zoo.

Manny: Bernard, this Therm-Away jacket you bought me doesn't seem to be working. I feel quite warm.
Bernard: Trust me. It's what the astronauts use to keep cool.
Manny: Is space hot?
Bernard: Hah, of course it is. Where else do you think we get pineapples from?

Manny: Where are you going?
Bernard: Out. Courtship calls. I'm going to get Allison chocolate and flowers and chocolate flowers and florettes of chocolate. I'm sending a truckload of woo.

Bernard's poem to Allison:
Think of a bee
You are its knees
You waft through me like a summer's breeze
Can I come round Tuesday please?

Bernard: (wearing an accordion) Hello! I've come to serenade you. I can't play guitar. I can't play this either, but I thought it would be less obvious. So if you could just kind of stand there and look wistful, and I...
Allison: No thanks, goodbye.
Bernard: Where are you going?
Allison: Somewhere else. I've had enough of this. The flat's small, then it's huge, then it's a closet full of flowers and truffles. I am not interested in you! Ok?
Bernard: But... but... (holds up a bunch of flowers)
Allison: Get lost!
Bernard: No no. You're my summer girlfriend. You don't get angry. You throw your head back and laugh as we bicycle around the Cotswolds in a taxi. You flick the cherry off the pie and only eat the cream because that's what Auntie Nibs used to do.
Allison: What?

Fran: It's just the heat playing tricks with your mind.
Bernard: It's not the heat! There's nothing wrong with my mind!
Fran: You're wearing an accordion...
(Bernard realises this, throws the accordion on the ground and kicks it repeatedly)

Bernard: Listen, this whole thing... we're old friends. Don't you think it's about time now, you know, that we actually admitted that we're hugely attracted to one another? You know. Just for the summer?
Fran: No I don't. I think we should wait a bit.
Bernard: 'Til when? Yeah? (Slicks his hair back)
Fran: Until at least one of us is dead?

Series 2, Episode 3: The Fixer

Manny: (helping Fran find a job) Sales manager in a huge department store?
Fran: Too busy.
Manny: Beautician on a cruise liner?
Fran: Too boaty.
Bernard: You can find work and sort your life out at any time. The pub closes in five hours.
Manny: You could try and help. It's not easy finding a job.
Bernard: Have Manny's. He knows he's useless. He won't mind. You work here and he can go back to whatever seaman's shelter he was born in.
Fran: Enough. The pub. Come on, Manny.
Manny: No, I won't bother. I'm useless, apparently. I'll just stay here.
Bernard: Oh don't take it like that! I only meant it in the sense that you never do anything of any use.

Manny: (answering phone) Oh hello, Gus! Long time no speaky! Oh... when did you get out?

Manny: The job's as good as yours. This bloke, Nugent, owes a favour to an old mate of mine, Gus. That's the address.
Bernard: (reading poster in shop) Who's Danny Spudge?
Manny: You'll meet him at lunch.
Fran: Did Nugent tell you anything about the work?
Manny: No I only spoke to Gus after he'd been speaking to Danny, not Nugent, so I don't know.
Bernard: Who's Gus?! What lunch?!
Fran: Ohh I'm going to be late.
Bernard: Wait! (threatens Fran with the jam on his toast) Now, who's Nugent?!
Manny: She won't know until you let her go to the job!
Bernard: What job?! How do you know Danny Spudge?!
Manny: I don't know him. Gus does.
Bernard: Who's Gus?!
Manny: A friend of Nugent's.
Customer: Hello?
Bernard: Who are you?!
Customer: I'm, I'm Ralph.
Bernard: Ralph who?!
Customer: What?
Bernard: Don't play games! (grabs customer around the neck and threatens him with the jam on the toast) Why did they send you?!
Customer: Look, I just want a book on tape!
Bernard: What book?!
Customer: Anything by James Elroy!
Bernard: How's Elroy involved?! (Throws customer on the floor, straddles him and threateningly holds the toast next to the customer's face) Tell me or I'll jam you! Who's Gus?!
Manny: Bernard! Gus is just a friend of mine.
Bernard: Keep talking!
Manny: Look, I used to do some work for Gus - a bit of a crook, but well-connected. Hiis nephew Danny has written a book. Gus suggested we let him do a reading. I asked him if he had any jobs going for Fran, and he put her onto Nugent. Very simple, no mystery.
Fran: Ok?
Bernard: (Drops toast, grabs customer's hair and yanks his head up) What about this bastard?!
Manny: He's a customer. I'm sorry, we don't do books on tape. Could you try down the road?
(Bernard drops the customer's head which falls on the jam on the toast)

Danny: So I left him sat there, staring at his thumbs in the ashtray. It's quite a funny story.

Danny: I don't want to give the punters the wrong impression.
Bernard: Which would be...
Danny: Some people think I'm a thug. That's very upsetting. That's why I did the book. Set a few things straight.
Manny: So they could see... the real, adorable you.
Danny: EXACTLY! Anyway, lads, about the book-reading. I've got a slight problem.
Bernard: We can cancel it! That's fine! No problem!
Danny: Cancel? Nah. No no no. No big thing. I just got to brush up a bit, on my reading skills.
Bernard: Well you wrote a book...
Danny: Nah, ghost writer, isn't it? Bloke who did the Spice Girls book.
Manny: Wow...
Danny: So you can give me lessons, yeah?
Bernard: Ah no no, we-
Danny: You can read, can't you?
Bernard: Well obviously, everybody can read, but we-
Manny: (to Bernard) No nooo no!
Bernard: But we-
Manny: Noo.
Bernard: Everybody... with people who...
(Danny looks violent)
Manny: I think uhh, we'll be able to help

Danny: Incidentally, don't tell anyone about this. Otherwise I'll kill you both. (Manny spits his food out) And your mums. (Bernard laughs nervously)

Bernard: Because that's how you learn anything, isn't it? It's just like driving...
Manny: Yeah! Exactly! I'm not worried.
Bernard: Astrophysics...
Manny: Exactly!
Bernard: Lion-taming...
Manny: Exactly!

Bernard: (reading Danny's book) "I kept his ear in my pocket for months. I used to chew it at parties."

Bernard: Reading is just one of those things... it can't be taught!
Manny: Oh no you remember your early books. "Peter likes Jane. Jane likes Peter. Peter has a ball."
Bernard: "Jane has no thumbs."

Manny: Have a seat.
Danny: You telling me what to do?!
Manny: No! No no no not at all! Uhh have you eaten?
Bernard: Would you like a jumper?
Manny: You're not bored are you?

Bernard: Ok if you want to just read a page, we'll just find your level.
Danny: Hang on, shouldn't I learn the uhh... whatchamacallit first. The... the... the...
Bernard: The... yes?
Danny: The... umm... the letters. Alphabet! I've got to know that before I can make words.

Manny: We're not quitters!
Bernard: I am a quitter! I come from a long line of quitters! It's amazing I'm here at all!
Manny: He's just an urchin. A foundling. We can teach him!
Bernard: We can't teach him! Look at that face (holds up a copy of Danny's book with Danny's face on the cover). I bet his cornflakes tried to crawl out of the bowl!

Danny: (trying to pronounce the letter A) Argghhh! I've got a cluster headache! I'm getting upset! I can't breathe! I've got to go! (walking out the door) How long does it take for these lessons to take effect? I am doing well, aren't I?
Bernard: Excellent! Excellent!
Manny: Natural!
Danny: (does an ominous but girlish laugh) Oh good. Good. Because if I can't read by Friday, you'll both be brown bread. Buttered. With Harry. On the boat.

Fran: All I know about my job is that there are biscuits in the stationery cupboard!

Manny: It's nothing.
Bernard: It's not nothing?! He eats poppadums without breaking them!

Bernard: (putting down the phone) That was Danny, who's very excited about being able to read by tomorrow.

Bernard: What is this? You think you're a gangster now?
Manny: I'm known in all the burroughs.

Bernard: What did he say? The midget?
Manny: He wasn't called a mid-
Bernard: He's a MIDGET. A tiny midget.
Manny: What if he ever heard?
Bernard: He won't! His ears are too small!

Manny: It's just unfortunate that you got fired, immediately after... I spoke... to him... but... everything's going to be alright... and it'll be ok because it's all very, very good...
Bernard: Dreadful people. The Gucci dwarf. And that drongo Danny. (Danny walks in the door behind Bernard but Bernard doesn't see him) As if you could ever teach a thug like that.
Manny: Bernard, shut up!
Bernard: Gus, I admit, was genuine underworld because he had to get on a stepladder to pee, but that huge gunk...
Fran: Bernard, Bernard...
Bernard: I wish I could see him again actually, you know, because I'd have him, like that (clicks his fingers)
(Danny grabs Bernard's shoulders from behind)
Danny: I'm feeling a bit woozy. I always get dizzy before the screams. Before the air is full of gizzards and tendons. The hair. The blood. It'll pass in a mo'. (spins Bernard around to face him, Bernard looking pitifully horrified and mouthing "No") And then, I'm going to rip-
Fran: So you're the one who can't read? Hmm? (Bernard scurries away) Sit down.
Danny: Wha-
Fran: I said SIT DOWN. (Danny sits down, Fran spins him around to face the desk while Bernard and Manny cower behind some curtains) You can take that silly look off your big head. (Puts a pen in Danny's hand, and moves his hand so she makes him draw an A on the piece of paper) Now... we've drawn an A. Haven't we? What is it?
Danny: It's an... A. (Puts his hand up) I want to go to the toilet.
Fran: (hits him on the head) Shut up. Not until you can read this. (Picks up a children's book) "Nibbly Pig got on a bus".
Manny: (to Bernard) She's playing with fire! He's not ready for Nibbly Pig!

Danny: (reading from Pride & Prejudice) "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."

Series 2, Episode 4: Blood

Bernard: Perhaps you'd like me to put the price down.
Customer: Well I was thinking two pounds.
Bernard: Because three pounds is just naked profiteering? For a book, a mere... 912 pages long? What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add an acre to the grounds. I'll chuck some more koi carp in my piano-shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.
Customer: £2.50.
Bernard: That's more like it. Now you're being reasonable. (Grabs book) £2.50 gets you (rips a bunch of pages out of the book and hands the rest of the book back to the customer) this much. The rest when you come back with the other 50p.
Customer: But...
Bernard: Thank you!
(later on)
Customer: I have to have the rest of that book! Here's that 50p.
Bernard: (holding the rest of the book) Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. I was thinking £15.
Customer: What?
Bernard: No, you're right. 25.

Bernard: (telling Manny the shop doesn't need repainting) The shop is the way it is because it is the way it is. If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is.
Manny: It needs doing.
Bernard: It's charming. It has character.
Manny: Character is an ambience. A feeling. It's not something with fur and a beak.

Fran: I keep buying things to cheer myself up. I go to get a paper and I come back with all this.
Bernard: Chocolate. Magazines.
Fran: (throws a set of keys onto the desk) And a Vauxhall Astra.

Manny: (to Bernard) Hello, sir! I am the information point! Can I help you?
Bernard: I hope so. I was looking for a pair of hobnailed boots. I want to jump up and down on somebody who's trying to ruin my life.

Bernard: No one needs sofas that eat you!

Fran: Hey, hey, hey, right, if you trace it back, and I might be wrong about this, but I come from a very good line. Apparently, I am Queen Victoria's... uncle.

Manny: I've been to the shops. That deserves a star.
Bernard: No! Stars are for achievement. My fortieth cigarette this afternoon. That deserves a star.

Fran: Stop me if this gets boring, but first you just check the parish records, then-
Bernard: Stop.

Frederick: Tell us all about yourself, Fran.
Fran: Well, I was born in-
Frederick: Do you have a car?

Manny: Bernard, what you just did directly contravenes our Customer Code Promise Pledge.
Bernard: What?
Manny: If we're going to compete with the big shots we have to offer a service equal to theirs. That's why we came up with the CCPP!
Bernard: Oh we did, did we?
Manny: You were actually helping a customer when it was drawn up. The fellow with the red hair. Do you remember? Kept calling you "Bern", because of your badge. Heh, it's quite funny actually. Bern.
Bernard: (reading CCPP) "One. The customer is not only always right, he or she is also fun to be around. Be sure to remark on their wise choice and laugh at their jokes. If you happen to be wearing a top of lower cut than usual, well no harm done."
Manny: (Wearing a low-cut singlet revealing copious amounts of chest hair) Can't say it's not working.
Bernard: "Two. If the sides of your head head don't hurt, you're not smiling enough."

Bernard: We can't let them find reasons to leave. We can feed them! Lunch and dinner! We'll build a pool! And a gym! And an Egyptian-style casino! No, that's a bit much.

Bernard: From now on, the only stars we'll be looking at will be Dunlop stars!
Manny: Michelin stars.
Bernard: Them as well!

Bernard: Have you got the lobsters? (Manny holds up the bag of lobsters and Bernard whacks them with a rolling pin) Put them in the pot!
Manny: What's it going to be?
Bernard: Our signature dish! Luxury pie! The food of kings. (Throws handfuls of ingredients into the pot with the lobsters) Truffles. Saffron. Caviar. And champagne.
Manny: Drizzle it! Drizzle it! (holds a colander over the pot)

Bernard: Shut up! I am trying to make crème brulée! (starts grinding a cucumber)

Manny: Do you have to drink quite so much wine?
Bernard: Yes I do! How else are we going to get candles in empty wine bottles?!

Bernard: (to Manny) And why are you talking in English?! I only want to hear French in my kitchen! And... il n'y a pas de anything else!

Frederick: People with Astras can drink with their right hand and sing whatever they like. That's how it's been for centuries.

Bernard: (hacks at red jelly with a cleaver and pours cream all over it) Blancmange is always so fiddly!

Bernard: What's this?! Gourmet food is always presented in little towers! What's that?!
Manny: Soup!
Bernard: Well get it in a tower! Come on!

Fran: There are no plates.
Bernard: Well... use... recipe books with pictures of plates on the front! Do I have to explain everything?! (spoons mash onto a book cover)

Bernard: Manny! Do you have a tower of soup for me?! (Manny triumphantly presents the tower of soup) What's this? Where are the turrets? It's rubbish! (hurls the plate against the wall) Start again!

Bernard: Where are my ingredients?!
Manny: We've cooked them all!
Bernard: I don't care! We can make a feast from anything. This paint! This paint will make a tasty dish!

Bernard: My oven can cook anything. My oven can cook... bits of oven!

Series 2, Episode 5: Hello Sun

Bernard: What does Eva know about stress?
Fran: She's got three kids.
Bernard: Oh we've all got three kids.
Manny: At least she's doing something different.
Bernard: (to Manny) Oi, Thor. Get on with it.

Manny: Bills! Lots of bills! Our solicitor is sending her solicitor a solicitor's letter and his solicitor is billing us for the cost!
Bernard: Are you making coffee or not?
Manny: We have to get some more stock! There's nothing decent!
Bernard: Oh, stop! Mother of god. Go and get your hair done!

Customer: Excuse me?
Bernard: What? What?!
Customer: Do you have anything by Adam Phillips?
Bernard: How would I know? Go to a proper bookshop.
Customer: Look... there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.
Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. You know, in another life, maybe we could have been brothers, running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins, instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But, it was not to be. So... hop it.

Bernard: Why do you always have to make the bacon so curly?
Manny: Right! That's it! I quit!
Bernard: You quit every day. I'm going out for some peace, so I suggest when you reapply for the job in about half an hour, you do the interview yourself. Why don't you wear your pin-stripe suit? The one that gives you a big arse. You'll like the look of yourself in that.

Eva: You change when you drink. You're so loud. You just sit there with a fag in your mouth, cackling like something out of a brothel.
Fran: I don't... how horrible!
Eva: And when you're drunk, the way you eat, and swear, suddenly crying and then singing and kissing terrible men.
Fran: I know, I know, I'm awful.
Eva: Sometimes I think you're just going to end up with a head full of gold teeth, roaring and snorting over a vegetable stall some place.
Fran: I'm not... that...

Bernard: I'm talking about Manny. You know? Manny? The fruit store whom I happen to live with?

Fran: You know, in Tibet, if they want something, do you know what they do? They give something away.
Bernard: Do they. Do they. That must be why they're such a dominant global power.

Fran: (talking about yoga) It's amazing. It's like having sunshine in your veins.
Bernard: Here we go. Mary Poppins.
Fran: It is a shame, the way people pollute themselves. I mean, look around you. Just look. What do you see?
Bernard: I see intelligent, attractive, charming people who smoke and drink all the time and never get sick or die. Or bore the bollocks off their friends.

Bernard: This is pointless. I'll see you at dinner. Which, by the way, he is making a big deal out of, of course.
Fran: You are being irrational. The only thing that is going to bring you inner peace is-
Bernard: Stop talking goo. The only thing that's going to bring me inner peace is a beard-seeking missile.

Bernard: (asking about Manny's cooking) So what kind of filth is spewing out of your hatch tonight?
Manny: We'll be having mini medleys of chicken with summer berries.
Bernard: You know I hate student food.

Bernard: Well I want a drink now! (throws his empty wine glass at the wall)
Manny: There's your two litres of your Spanish antifreeze. Let me know when you want your food chewed.
Bernard: I'll wait until you put your teeth in, dear.

Bernard: What were those funny coloured things?
Manny: Vegetables.
Bernard: You know I'm allergic to vegetables! You are trying to kill me.

Bernard: Oh listen to you! You're becoming one of them! You're going over to the other side, to the land of sandals, spoon-benders and yoghurt-fanciers.

Fran: Everyone should meditate.
Bernard: Oh let's. Then we can all make some tofu for the dolphins that live in the fridge.
Manny: Fran is trying to improve her life. You could offer some support.
Bernard: It's shite.

Manny: He treats me like a child! I can't cope with him. He eats all the sweets in the house! He says they'll make my hair fall out! I found a baby monitor under my bed!

Bernard: (to Manny) According to Freud, it's dangerous even to be in the same room as you. We'll have to replace all our cutlery with plastic. And then I want to get you electronically tagged.
Manny: Bernard, pass the butter please.
Bernard: (not looking) This? (passes a jar)
Manny: No, that.
Bernard: What did you say?
Manny: I said "No, that".
Bernard: You said "No, Dad"! So there you go again! Projecting!
Manny: I wish I'd never bought those stupid books. I'm not projecting!
Bernard: I've never seen such projecting! It's in Cinemascope with Dolby surround. You're deranged! You need help.
Manny: I'm normal.
Bernard: Normal? (Points to Manny's toast soldiers) What other grown man makes soldiers for his runny egg then divides them into rank?
Manny: Just a bit of fun.
Bernard: Yeah? So you won't mind if I eat this one? (makes to grab a soldier)
Manny: Don't touch the colonel! It'll upset the rest of the men.
Bernard: Call a shrink. You're nuts. So is your whole platoon.

Fran: Hey, do you fancy some toast?
Eva: Wheat is poison.

(Manny is making a roast chicken do a striptease on a wooden spoon)
Bernard: What are you doing?
Manny: Stripping the chicken.
Bernard: What for?
Manny: Well I could make chicken soup, chicken salad, chicken sandwiches...
Bernard: You could make a chicken cravat but it's just hassle. We'll get a take-away.
Manny: There's loads of things I can do with this.
Bernard: It's a chicken! Chicken is finite! You've got to move on. How are you
going to cope when somebody dies?
Manny: Well I'll just use the legs. It's thrifty.
Bernard: It's disgusting, is what it is! This is how Jeffrey Dahmer and that lot get started. They can't let go. Old boxes of fried chicken lying around. And, and then a friend says "I have to leave town" and vrooom! Out with the Black & Decker. There's bits of them lying around like nibbles. You've got to see a shrink.
Manny: (holds up the chicken wings) Have a wing! It's crunchy.
Bernard: Can't you see you're not right?

Fran: (talking to Bernard about about him and Manny) You know, if the two of you could do something relaxing together, this place wouldn't be so tense.
Bernard: What? Every time we bicker we should have sex? Just have a drink and be yourself again, will you?
Fran: So what's it like then? The fags and booze.
Bernard: Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
Fran: Yep...
Bernard: You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
Fran: Yep...
Bernard: ... "this is fantastic. I'm in heaven."

Manny: (to the psychiatrist) Well obviously, there's the cooking, the cleaning, and the uhh... doing the accounts and making the cheese, scraping the beds...

Bernard: Where have you been?
Manny: Are you talking to me?
Bernard: You look different... did they put you on steroids?!
Manny: What are you talking about, you silly little man?
Bernard: Now look here...
Manny: Shouldn't you be serving a customer or something? And isn't it about time you had a really good scrub?
Bernard: It's not my fault I look like this. You haven't washed my things.
Manny: Ahh. We can't blame others for our appearance, can we?
Bernard: Uhh no... no... no... but...
Manny: I suggest you wash your own socks, if you can chisel them out of your shoes. I'm going for a nap. I don't want to be disturbed.
Bernard: How dare you speak to me like that! My own son!
Manny: What did you say?!
Bernard: Nothing... nothing...

Bernard: (to the psychiatrist, about Manny) It's not as if he's never rewarded. Well, not in any material way. Or any other way.

Fran: Eva started going on about how I have to give up milk... and peas... and god knows what. I mean, what's wrong with fucking peas? So I told her she could stuff it up her chakras.

Fran: Come on, open the bloody wine.
Bernard: Go on, Manny. Get a move on.
Manny: Please.
Bernard: What?
Manny: It wouldn't kill a person to say "please".
Bernard: Oh you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to have you spayed.

Fran: (completely drunk) I'll mind the shop for you! I can be both of you. (Pretending to be Manny) "Bernard. Bernard. It's not fair. Bernard, here's your tea. Oh Bernard, Bernard, can I have my pocket money?" (Pretending to be Bernard) "Oh Manny, for the last time, shut up! Mother of god! I think I'm going to kill you!"

Series 2, Episode 6: A Nice Change

Bernard: Get on your knees! (throws a customer on the floor) Put your hands on the floor! From where you are now to that far corner is our music section.
Manny: It's a bit mixed up with aviation, botany and pregnancy guides but you never know.
Bernard: Search! (kicks customer)

Bernard: The thing is, you know, the thing is it's not actually illegal to kill a builder.

Manny: Hey, hey, hey! It's Sunday, right?
Bernard: Yes.
Manny: And we want to get away from the house?
Fran: Yes.
Manny: Why don't we... go to the park!
Bernard: Do you think that suggestion really deserved the preface "hey, hey, hey"?
Manny: What about the cinema?
Fran: Let's see... ok, how about this? (Reads from newspaper) "Bouffant. Sandra Bullock plays a woman who sets up a tiny hairdresser's in the trenches of the First World War".
Bernard: No.
Manny: Something else. (Takes newspaper) Here we go, here we go. "Regression. Richard Gere. A bloke has to kill himself to go back into the past to rescue himself as a child, so he can grow up to kill himself and go back into the past to rescue himself as a child so he can grow up"-
Bernard: No. (Takes newspaper)
Fran: Must be something else.
Bernard: What's this? "Blue Tunes. Matt Damon. Ben Affleck. Minnie Driver."
Fran: Oh I hate her.
Bernard: "Grouchy Leonard Blue runs a second-hand record shop with his halfwit moustaschioed assistant, Danny." (Manny scoffs) "When this zany pair team up with bitchy, neurotic neighbour Pam, things are sure to be a riot of laughs". Where do they get this crap?! I mean, a child...
Manny: Heh, they must think we're idiots.
Fran: Look at them. Wankers.
Bernard: They all think they're great.

Manny: The usual, thanks.
Fran: What is your usual?
Manny: I don't know, I haven't decided yet.

Manny: We have to do something!
Fran: Why don't we go out somewhere for Sunday lunch?
Bernard: Alright.
Manny: Where? Where?
Fran: There's this new place. It's very in. "The Mortuary". They don't do any vegetables, everything's dead animals served on little headstones.
Bernard: Why does it have to be fancy?! I just want sausage, mash and a bit of cake. Not twigs fried in honey or a donkey in a coffin. Let's go to that place that does chicken and things.
Fran: Ok. Oh, what should we wear?
Bernard: Excuse me?
Manny: Yeah, what sort of place is it?
Bernard: It's a restaurant.
Fran: Well should we dress up or down?
Bernard: You can dress upside down and inside out, you're still going to eat your spaghetti like a pig.

Fran: Bernard, they're building next door for two weeks! There's a sign, it's outside. We can't stay here!
Bernard: Relax! I'll sort them out later.
Manny: What are you going to do?
Fran: What can you do?
Bernard: I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll write a letter to the council.
Fran: Well what are you going to say?
Bernard: I'll say "Dear Council, please don't build beside us for the next two weeks".
Manny: Yeah but what if that doesn't work?
Fran: Yeah, yeah, what are you going to do if that doesn't work?
Bernard: You want to know what I'll do?
Manny: Yeah.
Bernard: I will... drink heavily and shout at you!

Bernard: (looking at Manny's Mauritius holiday photos) What? They're like any holiday photographs. A bunch of people stood around squinting, and didn't realise they were that fat.
Manny: Look, that's us outside the restaurant, and that's us outside the hotel.
Bernard: Ooh, what a transformation!

Bernard: (about Manny's photos) Why are you showing me these? I don't know these people. The only possible use this photograph would be to me would be if I was a hitman and somebody had asked me to take out Eddie, the gallery owner from Trent.
Manny: Kent.

Fran: What do you do in there anyway, you know, in a jungle?
Manny: Well, you see how many miles you can walk in a day.
Fran: Yeah but the heat... you must get so dehydrated.
Manny: Yeah well in a tight spot, you can always drink your own urine.
Fran: Yeah but what about the insects? And, and, and how do you wash?
Manny: Well, that's not such a big priority when you're quaffing pints of your own whizz. (Drinks a glass of white wine)

Bernard: Forget lunch. And I'm not going to Thailand.
Manny: You said you weren't going anywhere.
Bernard: Doodah here neglected to tell me that they're building around the clock. So forget your beaches and jungles. We're going somewhere where I can read, sit and have a quiet drink.
Manny: So your ideal holiday would, in fact, be here.
Bernard: Correct. So find somewhere exactly like this.

(Manny and Bernard are going through Fran's suitcase full of shoes while Fran is strapped to a chair)
Manny: You don't really need these, do you?
Fran: Of course I do! They're my slow-dancing mules!
Bernard: What about these? You don't need these.
Fran: I do! Supposing we're invited to a yacht party by drug dealers...

Manny: (looking at Fran's bizarre shoes) These are weird!
Fran: They are beautiful! They make strong men cry in trains stations!

Manny: Now, Bernard, have you got your passport?
Bernard: For god's sake, of course I do! Actually, I don't. Go and get it, will you?
Manny: Where is it?
Bernard: Where does anybody keep their passport? It's in the... building.

Fran: Do we have everything?
Manny: Yep. Let's just check the list to be double-super-safety-sure.
Fran: Ok, I'll stop you if we've missed something out.
Manny: Right, ok... 1950s-style windbreaker with two-tone lining and self-stripe cuffs. (Ticks it off) Staypress peach slacks...
Fran: Manny, let's just say "clothes".

Fran: What time is the flight?
Manny: The... hmm?
Fran: You didn't book the flights...
Manny: I'm so sorry. I got distracted by the... and... uhh... my... my pants aren't that easy to fold.

Fran: I'd better kip here so we'll all be together. Can I have your bed?
Bernard: Yeah.
Fran: Got any bin-liners?
Bernard: In the kitchen.
Fran: And Dettol?
Manny: Under the sink.
Fran: Ajax?
Manny: Yep. Here.
Fran: Thanks.
Manny: Are you really... actually... going to get in the bed?
Fran: Yeah...
Manny: Right. Umm, better take these (hands Fran some bananas)
Fran: No, I'm not hungry, thanks.
Manny: No it's not for you. Just... chuck them under the bed.
Fran: Wha... what... what's under the bed?
Manny: Dunno. We just call it "The Thing".

(At Heathrow airport)
Fran: Now listen, there's a slight catch. These flights were very cheap...
Bernard: Four quid each. Quite reasonable, yes.
Fran: So that uhh means we have to make a couple of change-overs.
Bernard: How does that work?
Fran: Well... to get to the Canaries, we have to change... in New Zealand.
Bernard: What?! That's practically in France.
Fran: I know...
Bernard: Why don't we just go on holiday there? We could have sake at the rodeo then go home on one of those sleds with the camels.
Fran: We're just refuelling. And then we change again. At Stansted.
Manny: I've always wanted to go there!
Bernard: Nice, is it?
Manny: They've got these little trains... that have no driver.
Bernard: Oh! Lovely!
Fran: We'll just be there a little while. A few days... in and around the airport. In, mostly.
Manny: That's where the trains are!

(Two weeks later, walking through an airport. All three of them look completely exhausted and dishevelled, and Bernard is wearing a lovely red skirt and a Hawaiian shirt)
Fran: This has to be the last connection. We must be nearly home. Is this Prague?
Bernard: I don't care where it is, I'm not getting on another plane.
Manny: I think this is Miami.
Bernard: Fine! I'm going to live here and sell guns to children.

Fran: You can't say the flights weren't cheap.
Bernard: And you can't say we didn't spend thirteen days on a plane.

Fran: (to Bernard) Oh don't look at me like that. It wasn't all bad. How many people can say they've been on a hospital riverboat?
Manny: Yes. And you can be sure they didn't get to perform surgery on themselves.
Fran: Just as well they thought Manny was a god.
Manny: Yes, it will be sometime before I want to sacrifice another monkey.
Bernard: (grabbing Manny violently) We said we wouldn't talk about Canada! Let's go home.
Manny: Have you got your keys?
Bernard: No. I left them in the bag which you kindly unburdened yourself by losing.
Manny: Ahh.
Bernard: What do you mean, "Ahh"?
Manny: Well it's just that uhh... I think that... my keys were in there as well.
Bernard: (to Manny) Were they? Funny, isn't it? Travel. It's just one thing after another. You're fired.
Fran: Oh now look...
Bernard: (to Fran) And after I dislodge and return your thong, I never want to see you again.

Bernard: (to Manny) It was a thrill to recreate with you, but now our association ends! You have brought nothing but pain, penury and strife into my days. I wish you good fortune in whatever avenue of life you assault with your presence! Here's your redundancy package. Here. I'm sorry most of it's in Fanobian wooden dollars but that's largely your fault! Now good luck and goodbye!

Fran: Do you want to come outside?
Bernard: I'm cold! I've got chilblains, tinnitus and thrush!